I just saw a hot homeless man
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
