Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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