Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
