i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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