sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
