apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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