Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
