hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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