do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I think your dad took our porno
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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