The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
