I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
