life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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