I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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