Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
