Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i love accidental penises.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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