I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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