he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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