and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
My vagina is officially offended.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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