if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
