i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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