tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
