i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I pour the whiskey from now on
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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