she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
