I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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