I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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