i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
