i already hear my dad disowning me
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
