Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Where is the hickey?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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