im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
