i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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