so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
FUCK WHALES
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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