when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
