hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
