If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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