shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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