Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
