God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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