my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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