You don't have asthma, your pregnant
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
