you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
