Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
