Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
