The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
