EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Randomize
