Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
