if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
