Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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