Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
