I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
