pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
