So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
