You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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