Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
